An Older Manager Told Me

Everything we do, no matter how simple or straightforward, entails some sort of conceptual underpinning -- some grounding in a belief or system of beliefs. Most of us believe in a solid, enduring, independent "self" -- an "I" that requires a good deal of maintenance. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a belief in a "self" and "others."
Civility brings together the belief in a “self” and “other.” Civility requires self-control, especially in dialogues with others with whom we disagree. We tend to view “self” and “other” in society along lines of race, social-economic groups, religion, age, politics and special interests. The “self’ can be hostile to the “other” and resort to bullying tactics. A bullying tactic is shame. Shame is used to establish dominance.
One of the most challenging emotions we have that involve managing “self” and “other” is embarrassment. Embarrassment and shame can be unpleasant to experience, but are emotions that allow us to adapt our world to the “self” and “other.” When we were children, shame allows us to stay out of harm’s way, and as adults, shame keeps us from tearing apart our social fabric.
Biologically, we are all wired for shame, an emotion experienced as an interruption to positive emotions. We can feel a little bit of shame as a twinge of self-consciousness or an immersion in shame as profound humiliation.
As manager’s, we must learn to manage our shame similar to anger and hate. Tolerance is the name of the civility game.